


Ana Ketsuno In: When Quarantines Aren't Enough To Stop Stupid People From Breaking The Rules

by silverliningingold



Series: Ana Ketsuno in: [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: 'Yo mama' Jokes, ...weird and unplanned OCs?, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Multi, Quarantine and Chill, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23255716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverliningingold/pseuds/silverliningingold
Summary: "Excuse me? Why would you leave your house during the quarantine?""Dude. I'm just, like, tryna live my social life here."
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Series: Ana Ketsuno in: [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031076
Comments: 12
Kudos: 39





	Ana Ketsuno In: When Quarantines Aren't Enough To Stop Stupid People From Breaking The Rules

**Author's Note:**

> I had actually planned to post this much later, but… this felt like the right time somehow to post the continuation of this silly story, you know with the quarantine and isolation and all… Incredibly enough, I had imagined a lockdown as the follow up chapter before the Corona Virus had even hit…
> 
> This is about the situation in Italy right now, not America or any other country, please keep that in mind while reading.
> 
> Edit: ...Alright, yesterday I was tipsy when I wrote this, because you know it was Saturday night and being indoors my momma and I were watching funny movies (yes, try to distract yourself with humor as much as you can) and we had fun and a bit to drink... BUT! I still mean every. single. thing. I. wrote.

_Previously on Ana Ketsuno in:[When Snowstorms Aren't Enough To Stop You From Getting The Good-Goodies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19994101)_

_Another chase takes place, this one definitely more intense than the first, and honestly it is almost impressive how fast the two manage to be in this thick veil of snow._

_"He is chasing him through the snow like a dog trying to get to that bone!" Ana comments out loud, even though there is definitely no need for it._

_"Hey, what does that dude have in his hand?" One from the crew comments, and so do the others._

_"Is that a pan?"_

_"Is that a stone?"_

_"Is that a bird?"_

_"No, wait, that's-"_

_"Superman!"_

_"Don't be stupid, Steve. That's a shoe."_

_"…Oh."_

And now that people are all caught up with this brief and ineffective summary that did not really explain anything whatsoever… let's start with the new episode!

* * *

The cohort has gathered for yet another round of filming/interviewing, dragging themselves through the remaining patches of snow in the empty streets, the cold air of the night that breezes past feels like slaps to their faces even if they are all wearing masks.

"My friends, my crew, my fam… we're all screwed." One of them declares in the silence of the night.

"Don't be so pessimistic, Guy. We're gonna get through this." Someone else replies, there is an _almost_ kindness to his tone as he does so.

"Don't be so optimistic, Joe. It's unbecoming of you." The Guy guy retorts. (a/n: I've always wanted to write this xd)

All the almost-kindness is gone from Joe's tone, even though he barks out a laugh. "Fuck you, man. I can be as optimistic as I want to be."

"Please, shut up already. I just want to get this over and done with and be on my way."

"Ooh, is Miss Ana fed up already?"

Ana Ketsuno, the extraordinaire reporter with her never-ending enthusiasm, the woman with the magnetic personality, the always positive Ana… rolls her eyes skyward. "Yes, I'm fed up already."

While most people were comfortably resting in their homes, the opposite had seemed to happen for these guys. It was almost like the amount of work had doubled, especially considering how many people were sent home for an indefinite amount of time. Of course, given that providing useful information for the public in troubling times was their job, they were proud of committing to their craft. The news they stumbled upon lately, however, were rather… frustrating, to say the least.

"I can't believe they're making us work even during the lockdown…" A dejected mutter sounds from another member of their crew.

"That's life, man. And by that, I mean…" The one named Joe nods to himself, looking up at the dark and cloud-full sky as if struck by sudden inspiration, and when he speaks next it is to say _these words_. "…Life's a real damn bitch."

"Where did your optimism go, Joe?" Guy asks, sniggering.

"Oh fuck off already."

"Speaking of people who should fuck off." Ana segues into her next question, pointing ahead of herself. "Are my eyes tricking me or do you all see somebody standing over there?"

"Hmm… doesn't look like it's someone out working to me."

"Oh, man, please don't let it be another one of those ignorant idiots…"

Amid groans and grunts, the crew somehow makes their way over to the silhouette illuminated by a street light, before noticing that the person in front of them is in fact another one of the frustrating people they have had to deal with in this part of their job… a teenager.

Ana, as ready as ever, with the microphone already in hand, steps up to the guy. "Excuse me? Why would you leave your house during the quarantine?"

When the teen takes notice of them, apparently too busy typing something on his phone, he looks up in outrage, as if he has been asked the stupidest question. "Dude. I'm just, like, tryna live my social life here."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Oh God. My hate for teenagers just came back tenfold." Marcus suddenly comments in disgust.

Joe looks at him, surprised. "Really? Mine never even left."

"Hey!" Guy calls out, quickly getting in front of the team, and in front of the teen. "She is not a dude." He firmly states as he points to Ana, before his voice lowers in a serious and gravel whisper. "She is clearly a dudette."

The rest of the crew exchanges a long look among themselves.

"That's literally the least problematic thing of this whole situation right now, why are you even pointing it out?"

"I like to focus on the details."

"Shut up?" Joe says, between a statement and a question, voice going slightly high-pitched. "Just shut up?"

"Who're you guys anyway?" The teenager grunts in irritation.

"The question is, who the fuck do you think you are to be out and about right fuckin' now?"

"Joe!"

"What? Someone needs to say somethin' here or they'll never get it inside those thick and empty skulls sitting on their shoulders."

"How dare you!" The teen exclaims, indignated now. "No one tells Alpha Dog what to do!"

The crew exchanges another look.

"…Who?"

The teenager points at himself with a sneer, clearly feeling superior as he mistakes their confused expressions for intimidated ones. "That's me, Alpha Dog."

"…Oh God…. when I thought it wasn't humanly possible to hate a teenager even more than this." Marcus whispers to himself in resignation, as if he just lost hope for the rest of humanity.

"The hell are they feedin' these hormone stinky bodies with?" Joe asks aloud even if the question is not addressing anyone in particular. "Is there somethin' in the water or what?"

"No." Ana steps in all of a sudden, the irritation buzzing and boiling in her directed at the teen now. "How _dare_ you."

"Uh-oh." Someone whispers and the rest of the crew takes a step back.

"Dude, record this!" Joe whispers excitedly and Marcus, even if frightened by the sudden change in Ana's mood, hikes the camera up higher and tries to film every last second.

The teen, slightly startled, takes a step back. "Uh- w-what do you mean?!" He raises his voice as if to show he has the bigger bark around here, but real intimidation now shows through him as clear as the sun sparkling through glass.

"Let's see, you are not currently out and about because of your job. Is that correct?" Ana asks with narrowed eyes and voice slightly syrupy sweet, it sends shivers down the whole crew's spine.

"Pssh, as if." The teen seems to actually be amused for the first time. "Everybody knows working is just for suckers!"

The resulting crack of knuckles coming from somewhere behind them seems to be the only sound in the otherwise silent streets. "…I'm about to beat a bitch up."

"Joe, no!" Marcus tries to hold back their colleague as best as they can. Guy doesn't lift a single finger to help.

Ana's eyebrow twitches, but she is still smiling _the_ smile. "And you are obviously not out for grocery shopping."

"Eh, I've bought, like, a ton of alcohol and-" The guy quickly searches for his pockets, taking out a colorful wrapper. "-a lollipop. Duh."

"Who the hell do you think you are, _Billie,_ huh? Is that you Billie?! Shut the fu-"

"Stop, Joe!"

Ana tries to reel herself in, too, a vein on her forehead is ready to burst. "And I assume you are not out because of an emergency?"

The teen snorts, his grin widening further even if it looks more of a grimace. "Of course, my 'emergency' is hanging out with my dudes! There's a sick party that's just waitin' for the Alpha Dog to show up-"

Out of nowhere, a shoe comes flying in a _whoosh_ and hits the teen straight in the face, making him land flat on his ass a few feet away.

"Is this… magic?" Ana gazes at the sky as she asks the universe, pleasantly surprised.

"What's happening right now is God's punishment to all who have sinned!" The universe seems to answer back-

No, wait- it's just someone yelling from a balcony across the street who apparently witnessed the sudden fall of the teen.

"Nope, you got that wrong! Teenagers are God's punishment to all sinners out there!" Joe yells back.

Out of the blue, another voice in the distance soon follows, clearly directed at the 'victim' of the shoe. _"Repeat that if you've got the balls you little weak ass bitch!"_

But this particular voice does sound… _familiar?_

The crew turns around just in time to see a man with curly hair, sparkling silver in the dark of the night, running towards them like a missile.

He comes to a stop in front of them…. and falls flat on his face.

It seems the sudden exercise was too much for his lazy day-to-day schedule.

"Oh, hey, aren't you that guy who a few weeks ago made out with that other guy while you were simultaneously fighting and shoving snow down each other's throats?" Marcus asks curiously, eyes sparking in recognition.

Ana also gasps in recognition. "The one who invented stuff that had already been invented! And also had a serious lack of hygiene!"

"Hey!" Gintoki exclaims, offended, dusting himself off as he gets up, but then his face breaks into a grin behind his mask. "Oh, hey you're those guys from tv, right? What's up my dudes and dudette, it's me, your boy, Gintoki."

Guy nods happily at him. "Yeah, this one knows what's up."

Joe, still focused on the teen lying on the ground, probably unconscious, with the shoe still sitting on top of his face, turns to face the newcomer and nods, slightly impressed. "…Alright, I'll admit it, I like this guy's style."

"Guys!" Marcus alerts them in a wondrous tone, the next words echoing his once best friend's ones. "There is something flying towards us?! What is that? Is it, oh, is it Superman-"

"Marcus, you're really bad at this guessing game too." Guy says, avoiding to mention _who else_ is bad at this guessing game so as not to rattle his friend. "That is obviously another shoe-"

Before the sentence can even end, the shoe is already hitting Gintoki square in the face and making him fly a few feet away.

 _"_ _How many times have I told you already?! Stop resolving conflicts with violence!"_ Another voice hollers somewhere in the distance.

 _"_ _Are you kidding me right now?! Is this how you tell someone to not use violence?! Are you aware of the hypocrisy in your actions?! Please tell me you're aware of it?!"_

"Oh, the boyfriend is here too." Marcus comments.

"Ah, love." Ana sighs happily at the sight… although the sight has nothing really 'happy' about it.

Of course not one of them is doing anything to help the poor man lying on the ground and spluttering with a shoe in his face.

The boyfriend in question finally stops in his tracks, right in front of the crew, and slightly bows his head in greeting as if the last thirty seconds never happened. "Oh, hello."

"'Hello' my ass you shoe thrower bastard!"

"Shut the fuck up Gintoki! I was worried you got in a fight!"

"Yes, your shoe got in a fight with my face you fucking moron!"

"It's a small world, isn't it?" Ana asks rhetorically once the quarrel dies down a bit.

Marcus nods. "What are you guys doing here anyway?"

Gintoki, who has miraculously gotten up from the hit he received, is now picking the items that fell from the bag during the… er, impact with the shoe. He takes hold of what seems to be a carton of milk, drinks from it gulping loudly, and then after a satisfied sigh, answers. "Grocery shopping."

"Hey, you didn't get a lot of stuff." Guy comments, looking at their only halfway filled bags. Well only at one of them since the other has its contents emptied all over the place.

"'Course not." Gintoki replies, getting up and dusting himself off again as he makes his way to the small group. "We're not gonna hog all the food for ourselves and let others starve because of our selfishness."

"That's why we also went to two separate stores." Toshiro confirms.

"We both might be gluttons, but we're not animals."

"That's an insult to animals, they're actually smart with their food."

"You're right, let me rephrase." Gintoki thinks over the words for a moment. "We might be idiots… but we're not stupid."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Man, you might want to rephrase that again and maybe not say it out loud anymore." Joe says, breaking the silence, his colleagues nodding in agreement while Toshiro rolls his eyes at his boyfriend. "Ya know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but… damn, you're actually responsible dudes."

"Hey, why do you sound surprised?" Gintoki asks, offended.

"No offence." Marcus follows up with, "But… you just seem like the types to…"

"To what?"

"…to buy all your favorite products until the store runs out?"

"Hey, now." Gintoki crosses his arms, his eyes fall close accordingly as if what is about to come out of his mouth next will be wiseness beyond the years. "…I actually do that when there's no emergency."

Toshiro nods. "I can confirm."

"Why're you guys out here anyway?" Gintoki ends up asking the crew.

"Work." They all speak simultaneously, dread in their tone and faces.

Toshiro heaves out a sigh. "Tell me about it."

"You guys still have to work too?" Ana asks them, curiously.

"This adorably blue-doe-eyed sugar bear pear does." Gintoki coos, pinching his boyfriend's cheek.

"…Call me that again and I'll throw my other shoe too." Toshiro hisses in a dangerous tone.

"Don't you dare you bastard!" Gintoki hisses back at him, before turning with 'smiling' eyes toward the small group. "But I'm pretty lucky I guess, since I work from home."

"Being jobless and wasting your time coming up with things that already _exist_ does not mean you are 'working from home'."

"I'm trying okay?! This is a tough business for geniuses such as myself!"

"You shouldn't even put yourself in the 'genius' category to begin with-"

"Hey! You asshole!" Another one of their 'adorable quarrels' is interrupted by the teen's screeching voice. He has apparently regained his senses enough to sit up and point an accusatory finger at the one who knocked him out. "You just hit me! I'll sue you!"

Gintoki snorts. "Sue _me?_ I should sue you for the idiotic filth that comes out your mouth. Do us all a favor, just go home and put a bar of soap in there, will ya?"

"Shut the hell up!" The teen throws his hands in the air like a petulant child. "Why is everyone so obsessed with this all of a sudden?! We're all gonna die sooner or later! So who the fuck cares anyway?!"

"…Finally." Guy chokes back on a sob as he takes a step forward. "Is this _finally_ a proper reason to punch a teen in the face?"

"…Wait. You mean you need to have an actual reason to punch a teenager in the face?"

"…"

"…"

"…Yeah?"

"Oooh." Joe's face scrunches up and he quickly fishes out his phone. "Well, guess who's gotta make a quick call to their lawyer right about now?"

"You have to admit, he has style." Guy comments after his retreating back.

"…He punches teens without a reason?" Marcus asks out loud, tone clearly implying that is reason enough _not_ to idolize him.

Guy nods. "But still, you have to admit he's got style."

"Listen here you little shit!" Ignoring them, Gintoki makes his way over to the teen, and in the blink of an eye he has him by the collar, his eyes almost burning with the sparks of fire. "I have a grandmama and a grandpapa whom I love very, very much, and I swear to you, if I hear just another dumbass say something so disgusting and disrespectful _one more_ fucking _time_ I'll let all hell break loose so fast you're gonna regret you were even born."

Maybe it's the words, most probably the glare, holding him three feet off the ground only with the strength in one arm might help too, but this seems to do the trick because the teen quickly snaps his mouth shut.

"It's not about you, you imbecile!" Ana stalks forward and comes to stand right beside Gintoki, who glances at her slightly startled but also slightly impressed. "Did you stop for even a second to think with that pea-sized brain that maybe, just _maybe,_ you could infect the people you come in contact with!?"

"…Uh?"

"C'mon man, don't you care about your grandparents!?" Guy yells from the sidelines.

"…I-I just won't visit them! There! No big deal!"

Gintoki, Ana, Toshiro and the crew all take a moment to look at each other, snorting in exasperation.

"A handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, one touch. In a room full of people you start coughing, maybe you sneeze before you can take out a tissue. That's _literally_ all it takes, and even _less_ than that to spread it. Say you're already carrying it, say you meet up with your friends and pass it onto them, say you pass it onto your parents and your friends to their own parents, say the parents go to visit their friends and their own parents… and suddenly everyone you have come in contact with is infected. And all because you didn't care enough or didn't make a 'big deal' about it. What are you going to do in that case?"

"Uh… but-"

Joe, who apparently ended the call with his lawyer, is suddenly all up in their faces. "You want to have this kind of responsibility hanging over you?! Huh?! You wanna be the cause of their downfall!? Answer, soldier!"

"Joe, calm down man." Marcus tries to placate him.

Guy snorts. "Where did your-"

"I swear dude, if you mention my optimism _again_ I'll rip off your balls and feed them to you!"

Apparently that's enough to make his friend start laughing, while Joe starts chasing.

"…Idiots." Ana mutters, rolling her eyes for what feels like the millionth time that day, but quickly focuses on her priorities. "Do you get what we are saying or do we need to draw it for you to understand it better?" Then her syrupy sweet tone is replaced by the louder, not very syrupy one. "Stop being selfish and think about others for once, little fucker!"

The teen freezes up like a deer caught in headlights, opening and closing his mouth like a fish underwater.

Gintoki lets go of him, muttering something under his breath and making a show of rubbing his gloved hands all over his boyfriend's clothes as if to clean them from the filth, which of course only earns him a whack across the head.

"God, I hate teenagers." Ana mutters, shaking her head to herself.

"You were once a teenager, too." Guy helpfully reminds from his 'jogging spring', still trying to run away.

"Eww. Please don't remind me."

"Hey, I'm kinda curious. When do teenage years end?" Marcus asks.

"Everyone knows the answer to that." Ana replies, quite confused by the question.

"I don't?"

"It ends when you're thirty-five, sleeping on your parents' couch and playing video games until you can't blink anymore, and in the middle of those sleepless nights you start thinking about how much of a loser you really are. Only to realize…" Choking up, voice going high-pitched and blinking back tears, another one of the crew members finally utters. "…you've always been a loser…"

"Dude, no." Guy mutters after a while. "Also, that's strangely specific. Are you okay, bro?"

"What the fuck, man." Joe comments, before answering Marcus' question himself, still in the middle of his jog. "Teenage years end once you've hit twenty. S'really not that deep."

"Wait." Marcus falters, silent realization striking him like silver lightning in the night sky. "I'm twenty-one… what does that make me?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

There are several blinks, followed by a longer pause, all dumbfounded. Until Joe, finally having had enough of the exercise, and already tired from running around in circles for… fifty seconds… finally stops and breaks the silence.

"That makes you an adult, Marcus."

Marcus is slowly backing away, as if the notion scares him. "…N-No."

"An adult."

"No!" He covers his ears, frantically shaking his head as if the truth won't find him this way.

"Yes!"

"Shut up!"

"Boom!" Joe claps his hands, as if about to make a declaration. "You're an adult now!"

Guy tries to hold him back, frightened. "Stop it Joe! You're scaring him!"

"S-Stay away bully! I don't believe you!"

"Boohooo! An adult! Adult! _Adult!"_

"No! Joe! Please! Put a stop to this horror! I'm begging you!"

…And they go on for quite a while.

"…"

"…"

"…"

But their intense moment is… really not that _intense_ from an outsider's perspective. An outsider's perspective, not Gintoki's.

"Man, these guys are just my style." The man with silver curls comments.

Toshiro rolls his eyes.

"Bunch of a-holes." Ana mutters under her breath.

"What kinda bubblegum have y'all been blowing lately?!" Guy yells out of the blue.

"…What kind of question is that _even-"_

Then Guy points with his free hand, his other one still holding back Joe, somewhere in front of him. "You should ask that guy who's chewing bubblegum."

Their eyes all follow the pointing finger, which is pointing at yet another teen who is walking right by, sandy colored hair illuminated in the streetlight whilst the loud, explosive noises follow and… no, he isn't doing anything criminal, he is literally blowing bubbles with his gum.

"Hey, are you another one of those stupid ass teens!?" Gintoki asks with patience running thin… not like he exactly possesses a great amount of it to begin with.

This guy seems to catch on quickly, because instead of asking what they are talking about he immediately scoffs in distaste. "Please. Do not even put me in _their_ category. Disgusting."

"So you're not out to party?" Ana asks, mildly surprised.

"I hate parties."

"And you're not worried about 'losing your social life' in such, er, weird times?"

"Let me ask you this. Why would I even want to socialize when I have no social life to begin with?" The teen asks back, his dead fish eyes and his monotone remind the group of the curly haired man standing next to them. "Plus, I hate people with the passion of a thousand burning suns."

"…Can relate."

"Joe!"

"What? I'm not gonna pretend I like people all of a sudden? I hate everyone. I think I might even be allergic to people. I mean, I can barely stand being with you guys all day and you're my… my f-… my fr…"

"Your friends?" Marcus supplies helpfully for him.

"Eww, please don't say that word out loud."

The rest of the crew just shakes their heads at their hopeless friend.

"Hey! This… we're not done! Y-You… You-!" They are all somewhat startled by the voice, and as they all turn to see, the first teenager has apparently come out of his 'silent fish' state, annoyance loud and clear in his voice as he makes a seemingly last attempt to get the upper hand back. And, out of the blue, exclaims:

"Yo mama is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, 'Sorry, no professionals!'"

Dead silence reigns in the air, atmosphere taking on a heavier note as everyone seems to freeze, exchanging wordless messages with dead-fish and not-so-dead-fish stares, until…

"Ooh, did he just go there?" Joe asks out loud, punching a closed fist in his flat palm as he trudges forward, making the teen take a step back.

"Yep, he went there." Gintoki answers, mirroring him, making panic grow in the teen's face as he takes another step back.

"We're bringing mothers into this, huh?" Guy asks next and he… does not really take a step forward. At the resulting glance from the other two, he simply shrugs. "What, I'm tired, okay? I ran for, like… a whole minute? I broke a damn sweat, cut a guy some slack here… heh, you get it? 'Cause I said guy, and my name is also-"

They all drown him out by that point. Ana rolls her eyes, _again._

Expecting their other colleague to follow their example, they all… stop and stare when they hear what suspiciously sounds like a whimper and a _thud_ coming from their side.

"…Steve would've made a 'Yo mama' joke right back." Marcus mutters out of nowhere, whining in the asphalt as he lies face down, starfish-like.

"Man, he hasn't been the same since Steve left." Joe observes with a slight shake of the head… before stopping, because he honestly doesn't find himself caring very much about the whole ordeal.

Guy crouches down, only because he had literally been standing by his side otherwise he wouldn't have gone out of his way to do so, and pats a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "And what would have Steve said?"

"He… He would have said…. something like… 'Yo mama's so stupid, when I said, 'Drinks on the house,' she got a ladder.'" The man starts sobbing, cries muffled on the concrete.

Guy nods, and snorts, patting at his back. "That's it, buddy, let it all out. Take it easy, dude, it's fine."

"Oh, is that so?" But, surprise, surprise, the other sandy-haired teen ends up taking a step forward in their fallen colleague's place, slight smirk stretching his lips in a way that makes him look more evil than anything… even if they are not exactly engaging in any evil activity to begin with. "Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up."

Gintoki snorts so hard strawberry milk comes out of his nose. (In the wait he had apparently gotten bored and taken hold of his carton milk again.)

"Gintoki!" Toshiro is seemingly the only one who has the sense to reprimand him.

"What? I liked it, okay." Gintoki takes out a tissue from his pocket, wiping his lower face and a few strands of hair, before grinning evilly at the teen, even if, again, they are not exactly about to take part in any 'badass' battle out here. "Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said: 'To be continued.'"

And Joe, of course has to step in too. "Yo mama's so ugly, when she was little, she had to trick-or-treat by phone."

The sandy haired teen tries to stifle a snort, Gintoki seems to be pretty used to the fact that he will be snorting pink milk out of his nose every sentence, they don't let the first teen get even a word in anymore, and they all circle around each other like vultures, as if the fight of the decade is about to go down… when this is clearly not the case.

…It is really not intense as they think it is. Not even slightly _intense._ Not intense at all. _Lame,_ is what an outsider would call this, maybe the guy who had yelled before from his balcony before, but by that point they are all pretty much lost in their own world.

"Guys, please-" They of course ignore Ana's attempt to get them to stop. (Toshiro has long given up on it, looking for his own bottle of Mayo instead.)

And Ana rolls her eyes, but they continue for a while. (a/n: ahah rhyme:))

"Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said, 'concentrate.'"

"Yo mama's so stupid when the judge said, 'Order! Order in the court!' she said, 'Fries and a coke please."

"Guys-"

"Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth."

"Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept."

"Yo mama's so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed."

"Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application."

"Guys-!"

"Yo mama is so ugly even Hello Kitty said, 'Goodbye' to her."

"Yo mama's so fat, when God said 'Let there be light,' he asked her to move out of the way."

"Yo mama's so fat Ben Kenobi said 'that's no moon, that's yo momma.'"

"GUYS!"

Everyone freezes. They un-freeze and turn to stare at the 'voice of reason', Ana.

"Stop with these inconsiderate jokes now! Every mama in the world is precious, you should never joke about them!"

They all bow their heads in shame, staring at their feet in the dirty ground and nodding their agreement.

Joe sniffles, wiping away a tear. "I love you mama…" He whispers under his breath, making the others sniffle too and with a hand over their heart they nod along too.

And finally, the situation seems to be under a normal semblance of control again, with the first teen finally, maybe, understanding the consequences of his actions. Which puts an end to their, uh, verbal match?

Ana sighs, hands on her hips. "Oh, good, you've finally stopped." She nods to herself, satisfied. "Well, this was easy."

"….Just like yo mama." Gintoki whispers under his breath, head still bowed.

"Gintoki!"

"Alright, okay, I promise I'll stop disrespecting precious mothers now!"

Ana ignores him- if she rolls her eyes one more time they might fall off their sockets- and turns her disapproving stare to the teen, who looks defeated for all the world to see. "Do you finally get what this is about?"

"I… I think so."

Ana crosses her arms, eyes closed in deep contemplation and voice lowering to an almost whisper, but ringing loudly in the hush that follows. "This is not about us as singular individuals. It's something greater, something stronger, something that we all have to come together and fight. Because, at the end of the day, this is all about…"

Everyone is waiting with baited breath, waiting to be inspired by the inspirational speech, waiting for Ana to utter the formidable end to her speech, waiting to film this incredible piece of history that maybe will influence generations to come once they witness the extraordinarity of the message.

"Yes, this, it is all about…" Ana, sparks glinting her eyes and bringing an old flame back to life, slams her own fist in her opened palm, smirk lighting up her all face. "…beating Richard."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Wait what?"

"I have to say, this situation escalated kind of quickly."

"We were waiting for you to set an example, not the agenda to your personal vendetta!"

Amid her colleagues' confused stares and disapproving reprimands, the teen looks at the woman who had almost scared him out of his pants as if she just grew another head on top of her shoulders. "…What the fuck? And who the hell is this Richard anyway?"

Ana's blood boils in her veins. "Don't even mention that asshole!"

"You're the one who said his name?! Are you crazy?! Are you all guys crazy?! I knew you were freaks!"

Ana ignores him, continuing with what seems to be a monologue in her head that she keeps talking about out loud. "I won't let him have a glory that should have been mine in the first place. But, just you wait and see, Richard, soon, I will soon conquer my victory." Her evil smirk rivals Gintoki and even the sandy haired teen's. "…Even if it means using drastic measures to obtain it."

"Ana no!"

"…Alright… I'll admit it… her dark side's kinda hot."

"Joe, not now, please."

"I'm just sayin'."

"I agree with you." Gintoki whispers, suddenly entranced.

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing, love of my life." Gintoki turns to his boyfriend with the most innocent smile. It's not his fault if this Ana Ketsuno woman seems to quickly be turning into his celebrity crush. Toshiro has plenty of celebrity crushes of his own anyway, he can have one for himself, alright.

"Well, it was nice to waste my time here with you all." The second teen announces, sounding strangely sincere, as he looks at his watch and shakes his head. "But I'm late now, so I'll be on my way." Before making his leave, however, he stops right in front of Toshiro and stares at him unabashedly, making the man frown.

"What?"

"…Have we ever met before? I feel like we might already know each other… maybe in a past life?"

"Don't think so."

"Really? Because I have this feeling that keeps telling me I went out of my way to make your life miserable, somehow."

"Tch, as if I'd let a brat ruin my life."

"Hmm… the denial and superior attitude sound very familiar. I wonder if this has anything to do with my bazooka?"

Toshiro blinks. "Wait… you own a bazooka?"

The teen also blinks. "…I am taking the liberty to not answer." He raises a hand in a half-hearted way and goes on his merry way. "Let's meet up for another round of 'yo mama' soon."

Gintoki nods after the teen's departure. "I like that kid's style."

A beat of silence follows.

"Well, we can all say we learned something today." Guy declares.

"Our common hate for idiotic teenagers unites us and makes us stronger?" Joe supplies helpfully.

"I mean… yeah. But no." Guy points at the first teen, still looking at them like he has never come in contact with this kind of idiotic before. "There's the 'shit on the soles of your shoes' teenagers." Then points at the second teenager leaving. "And then there's the good kind of teenager too, like that kiddo. Man, I wish the world was just full of cool teens, it would be a much, much better place."

"…I think he might be a criminal." Toshiro interjects.

Two people speak up at the same time. "Wow… my respect for him just keeps growing."

"Joe!"

"Gintoki!"

"…You know what? I've had enough. I'm getting the fuck outta here." Now apparently fed up too and not giving off an ounce of that 'Alpha Dog' anymore, the first teen decides to also go on his way.

"Hey! Before you leave, do you promise to-"

"Yeah, yeah! I won't leave the house, won't party, whatever! Just so you know, I'll lock myself up so I won't have to meet freaks like you anymore!" The teen grumbles and frumbles (a/n: lol just made this word up… I think?) as he goes on his way.

"Well, I expected more of a change of heart… but this works too, I guess?" Ana says to herself, as if somehow her earlier words had been meant to drive and motivate the youth, and is surprised this wasn't the outcome.

"Hey, no complaints here whatsoever about what just happened, but it's not like we can use this stuff, well, not _all_ of it, so… you guys wanna do an interview?" Guy asks the couple.

"I'm a genius-"

"Shut up about that already!"

"What? It's not like we can make out like last time!" Gintoki then turns to the camera, going from irritated to calm in nanoseconds. "For your information, we had to cut our make out sessions short too because of this vi-"

"No one wants to know about that!"

"Are you kidding me?! It's tv! Of course everyone wants to know about that-"

Through another quarrel, they are able to film only a short interview, scraps and bits really, which mostly consist of-

 _"_ _And I guess with all the extra time we suddenly have we'll just chill out, practice new hobbies maybe, learn how to cook-"_

 _"_ _I can already cook perfectly."_

 _"…_ _you wish."_

One fight later-

 _"_ _-I have a good amount of books I always wanted to read but never really found the time to, and now I will-"_

 _"_ _Ha! You like to read! What are you, a nerd!?"_

 _"_ _Shut the fuck up Gintoki! You literally sound stupid!"_

And two fights later, they somehow go from trying to rip each other's hair to… loosely intertwining their gloved fingers.

 _"_ _You're cute."_

 _"_ _I know."_

 _"…_ _You're not supposed to say 'I know'. You're supposed to say something cute back."_

 _"_ _Have you seen me? I'm God's gift to this world. I'm cute, I'm handsome, I'm fucking awesome."_

 _"_ _Ugh…Forget it. I'm leaving you."_

And just like that, through their bickering and 'love', the couple makes their way home.

"Man, I like their style."

"Shut up, Guy. You like everyone's style."

Deciding that tonight they have had enough too, the crew takes the unanimous decision to leave and never come back… well, until the day after at least.

But as they are well on their way, they spot-

"Hey, who's that?"

"Don't tell me it's another idiotic -"

"Wait, I think I just heard something!"

 _"_ _-and fuck you Cindy!"_

"Oh, hey, that's Steve."

"…"

"…"

"…"

Marcus gasps. They all follow his example.

"Wait- Steve?!"

In the distance, Gintoki's narrating voice… well, narrates:

_"_ _Will Steve return? Will Marcus finally be able to face his own feelings? Will Ana find a way to beat Richard once and for all? Find out this, and more, in the next episode of Ana Ketsuno in-"_

"Gintoki shut the fuck up!"

**Author's Note:**

> The COVID-19 situation as of March and April:
> 
> I live in Italy, in the northern of Italy, my town was declared red zone almost two weeks ago and things are… well, I'm sure you've all heard the news by now. Today has by far been the worst with the victims adding up to almost 800 in One. Single. Day.
> 
> I feel like some people are still taking it more lightly than they should but… it's getting kind of scary out there.
> 
> I keep hearing the sirens of the ambulance three, four times a day when before we heard it come by once every two to three weeks. The healthcare system is completely and utterly overwhelmed, the doctors have shifts that last over 18 hours, and as if this wasn't bad enough people in the hospital (patients, nurses, doctors etc..) can get infected just by being there. Older and younger people with more weakened immune systems are dying just by being around this virus.... just because they're trying to help? A scary amount of medics have been infected.
> 
> For people who are still underestimating the pandemic: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. How can it be that there are people still so _ignorant_ out there who don't see how badly their behavior can affect everyone else? Please do us all a favor and sit on your asses for a while, I can assure you your friends won't die if they don't see you at an after-party or concert or whatever. I know, I know, to you I'm being crazy and dramatic and all that right now… but one of my mother's friends can't even attend his own brother's funeral because if you leave the house for any other reason than work, getting groceries or an emergency- these are rules we have to strictly follow- you get a fine and even risk jail time. Yes, apparently a funeral is not 'emergency' enough to leave the house and it's just… God, this whole situation is just horrendous, absolutely horrible. I'm not saying this to scare you or be a downer, it's just the situation right now...
> 
> …And if I hear anyone else say 'boohoo who cares we're all gonna die anyway' I swear I will throw hands! Zip your mouth shut and sit your ass down!
> 
> And for the rest of the people who actually understand how impactful and horrendous this pandemic is: Do your best to hang in there, please. I know guys, I know it's frustrating, but please just do what you can to hang in there. I have hope things will get better, just try the best you can to stay positive for the people who depend on you. Trust me I know not everyone is privileged enough to, 'Hey, just take it easy and stay at home for a while!' there are people who still need to go to work even right now, which is just… ridiculous? And unfortunately there are many schools and universities around the world that haven't shut down yet, and I'm so so sorry you have to leave the house scared right now. I watch my mother walk out of the door every day because she also still has to go to work even now, and every day it makes me a tiny bit more anxious and scared, even if she is taking ALL the precautions, my mom and brother are a lot more chill about it than I am, (I've always been a scaredy-cat for most of everything I have to admit, but this time I feel like my fear is pretty warranted). I just… some days I honestly just want to freak out badly and cry all my tears out for all of the people who have lost all their family members, partners, friends, co-workers and even acquaintances to this virus. I hope they will eventually heal from their losses and I hope a cure is found as soon as possible. The only thing we can really do is keep on keeping on.
> 
> I'm the first who wants to focus on the positives, but as I have recently come to learn the positive aspects can sometimes have more value once you know and have fully considered the negatives too. I hope everyone stays safe, take care of yourselves and of your family and friends ❤️ And hey, if you ever want to talk, or worry, or vent out all your frustrations (or talk about stress baking- yep, been doing a lot of that recently) or anything really, please remember I'm here for you! You're not alone! Let's just 'quarantine and chill', yeah? Try to keep ourselves sane and okay as much as we can?
> 
> Not to be _that_ gal, but I'm sending a big big virtual hug your way! You've just been virtually hugged by me now mwahahah! Take care guys!
> 
> (…I'm sorry for this… rant… thing-y? Whatever you want to call it? I'm not usually this…aggressive? But I am honestly so so so fed up right now and watching the news nowadays just makes me sick... The doctors said 'Before it gets better it will get worse'... I just hope the rest of the world won't spiral down as badly... please be cautious.)
> 
> More fun advice from the lovely [JoJo, Chill (Stay In)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghk1oBDecKE)


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